Going home

I am still a bit nervous about jinxing it but tomorrow I get on a plane that will take me home. And if the universe is kind – when we get to KL we will be able to home quarantine.

The sad part is that I am making this trip so we can pack up our condo for another international move. In another twist in the Covid tail it makes sense for Nick to be relocated to Australia – this was always an option at this point (we have been in Malaysia for six years) but for me who hasn’t been back since December 2019 it feels like a story that was interrupted.

People have commented on my saying “I’m going home” and even I wonder a bit at myself after nine months living in our new house and eleven months into a permanent job (23 months altogether). But my youngest son probably put it best when he said a few weeks after we moved in “its not quite your’s yet is it – it doesn’t have your stuff” And he is right -because all the things I have used in his lifetime to make our place feel like home, the pictures, the cushions, the vases, even my folders of torn out recipes and favourite baking pans – are in another country,

I have a list of what will go into the moving boxes being shipped to Brisbane and hopefully a list of what can be in our air freight allowance that can come back to New Zealand. (Otherwise I will be paying for extra bags for the foreseeable when the borders open) So that will probably change soon as I dismantle the home we made and reassemble it into new ones. And in having these choices I never forget how much privledge is involved.

When we got the news that we couldn’t extend our lease beyond the 31 October and it seemed that we might have to have our condo packed remotely I remember saying that I think Covid had finally broken me. And then New Zealand went into lockdown due to Delta. Throughout lockdown the pieces got stitched together – my flights and MIQ had been booked since early June but I had fully expected to have to change or credit them again. Throughout lockdown my Facebook memories were full of other moves, and closing other doors – we seem to have a habit of moving in August :). On the eve of this journey I feel incredibly grateful that I get the chance to physically “shut the door” on our KL home.

Covid slices into our dreams – but it also helps us build new ones. I find myself reluctant to share this journey in the knowledge that so many people are struggling to get back (both to Aotearoa and Malaysia). The other thing lockdown reinforced for me was how blessed we are in our new house, which without Covid we probably would never have bought. And I also suspect the move back to Brisbane for Nick has been facilitated by the different ways of working we have adopted. On the other hand – all our children are sad as well – the many plans that have been cancelled over the last two years for shared experiences based in Malaysia have slipped away (although Nick and I occasionally comment that we could go back)

I still have a credit for another return flight to Malaysia – which may give me a chance to get back and say good-bye properly to a number of friends who I may not see this time around due to Malaysia’s restrictions and people being away. The story isn’t finished yet.

Home is where you spring clean

For the last eight months I have been living an alternative version of the expat wife/partner story – the one where you live in the original home country. We made the decision in April that I would be based in New Zealand until at least the end of the year while the youngest finished his last year of school. This also had the advantage of being in Wellington for the birth of my daughter’s first baby and only being a short jump across the Tasman when my son’s first baby arrived.

After some initial short term contract work I have been on a six month full time contract managing projects I enjoy working with a great team of people. I have a decent car, am renting an old two bedroom villa with easy access to everything I need and am being paid well. When people ask me in New Zealand, I tell them I live in Malaysia and I have managed to be back in KL for 10 days or so on average every eight weeks.

Before the holiday closedown there was discussion about extending my contract beyond early March and for how long. Up until the beginning of December I was feeling quite disconnected from New Zealand and Wellington in particular. It felt cramped and constrained and then the pohutukawa started to flower and the Christmas parties began and in those weeks I was thinking that for Christmas, New Zealand will always be home. Even so I did make the comment in the contract discussion that as soon as I walked in the door of my KL apartment, I wouldn’t want to come back.

After a short stop over in Brisbane we arrived late enough last night to go out for dinner and crash. This is my third time back since May and I can now say with certainty that our apartment here is home in a way that my rental in Wellington can never be. This morning as I started going through the cupboards and fridge seeing what food there was, my instant reaction was to start spring cleaning the cupboards. I feel guilty that because I am away so much staples that I bought early in the year are well past their use by/best before dates and need binning. I’m thinking that I will buy replacements (or equivalent value of staples) for the big orphanage and refugee food collection bins.

Ironically I need to do almost exactly the same thing in New Zealand as I have containers with unused staples from our old house that moved to the boys’ apartment and are now back in my kitchen. While some of it is holiday mode – I think more of it is that this where I live, and my New Zealand base is somewhere I am staying, even if that place has far more of our furniture and things which in theory should make it more “home”.

When I talk about living this version of expat life people often comment that they know someone doing the same thing. Our logic is at the moment that a few more months in New Zealand is practical both in financial terms and being close by as our children move into different phases of their lives. Practical and pragmatic aren’t always easy to follow through on without at times wondering if I am fooling myself when I say KL is home.  But I think that if this is  the place I feel motivated to spring clean then maybe it will be OK!